


but i will help you swim

by orphan_account



Series: this is for the snakes and the people they bite [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:27:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6189079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Are you okay? Shit, did I do something?” They reached out to Eliza. She moved back instinctively. “Jesus, sorry, um – Maria. Maria Lewis. She/her. I wouldn’t mind some water.”</p><p>Silently, Eliza reached into her sidebag and pulled out a plastic water bottle, which she handed to Maria. She felt numb. It had been so long since she had relapsed back to <i>those memories</i> – and what a time for it to happen! She still felt disoriented and sick – and God, it was getting harder to form words –</p><p>“Eliza Schuyler,” she forced out.</p><hr/><p>College AU! Everyone is gay and trans and mentally ill.<br/>DISCONTINUED FOR THE TIME BEING</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. once i sink my teeth, your skins not so tough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. this is my first attempt at a multichap fic so please bare with me.  
> i would really appreciate comments because im honestly not sure what im doing? so if theres anything you'd like to see, just comment!  
> just a warning, eliza has a brief panic attack/episode in which she had some flashbacks from her abuse. there is also talk of abuse at the bottom notes. stay safe <3

Once again, Peggy was not listening to a word Eliza said – or signed, rather, but it was still _rude_. Peggy was looking ahead, lost in their own little world. _Maladaptive daydreaming_ , her father said. Eliza had researched it briefly. After making futile jabbing movements in Peggy’s direction, Eliza settled on speaking. She didn’t want to – it felt awkward and wrong some days (and this was one of those days) – but she had to do what she had to do…

“ _Peggy_!” Eliza cried, and _thank God_ , her sibling finally heeded her.

_You haven’t been listening to me_. Eliza signed with a pout. Peggy gave an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, Betsey – I’m distracted.” They cuddled close to Eliza and placed a smooch on her hairline while the smaller girl signed a feeble _I know_.

As soon as Peggy released her, Eliza’s hands turned into a blur.

_As I was saying! Princeton doesn’t have an LGBTQIA+ club, right?_ Eliza signed the acronym meticulously, trying not to forget a letter. Peggy nodded. _So… I mean, they have the GSA, but that’s boring and not exactly inclusive._ Peggy nodded again, but they were giggling slightly. _Care to write a proposal with me?_

 

Angelica came home to her siblings squabbling over Eliza’s laptop with a long-forgotten game of Tetris running on the screen.

* * *

 

Even though they had spent the majority of their time dicking around instead of actually writing their proposal, Eliza thought it was pretty good. It had all the points she wanted to address, such as the fact that minority students need their own space separate from those _not_ in the community. She had written strict rules, which both Peggy and Angelica gave their approval on: _Those who join must meet requirements, and they are: either experience same-gender attraction or are gender-variant or transgender._ It was almost fine print, the way she thought about it. But it was necessary.

Clutching the stack of papers in one hand, Eliza made her way to the administrator building. There was a bright, bubbly feeling in her gut. After so long of wanting to find somewhere to fit in, here she was, _making_ her own safe space. It made her feel almost giddy.

Eliza looked around her briefly before breaking into a slight jog. Holding the papers close to her chest, she stared at the sky in pure wonder. All around her were such beautiful, lovely things that –

“ _Fuck_!”

And suddenly, Eliza was on the ground.

With a groan, she pushed herself up, pressing her hand against her chest. She tried to take a breath. It hurt. However, all thoughts of her own pain immediately went out the window when she saw the person in front of her. Their hair was wild, thick curls in a rich brown surrounding their face. Their bright red lipstick stood out against their dark skin, which in turn brought out the sickly purple of a blackened eye.

“Oh, oh, oh, I’m sorry,” Eliza whispered, trying to scramble over to the person. Her hands twitched, itching to sign, but she doubted this person knew sign language (most people didn’t). “Are you okay? Name? Pronouns? Do you need water, I – I – I brought some with me, oh gosh, I’m so sorry –”

“Christ,” the person wheezed. “Can you just shut up for a second? My head is fucking pounding…”

Eliza was taken aback – literally. She flinched and moved backward as if she was burned; the happy feeling she felt was immediately replaced by dread.

_Shut up_ , her father would say when she screamed. _Shut up_ , he would say when he covered her mouth with his disgusting hand. _Shut up_ , he would say before he – before he – before –

_Ground yourself_. Eliza heard Angelica’s voice, loud as a bell. So she patted the ground. Hard. Grainy. She breathed in deep, three times. Her chest felt heavy, the breaths painful. Then she allowed herself to look up. The stranger was staring.

“Are you okay? Shit, did I do something?” They reached out to Eliza. She moved back instinctively. “Jesus, sorry, um – Maria. Maria Lewis. She/her. I wouldn’t mind some water.”

Silently, Eliza reached into her sidebag and pulled out a plastic water bottle, which she handed to Maria. She felt numb. It had been so long since she had relapsed back to _those_ memories – and what a time for it to happen! She still felt disoriented and sick – and God, it was getting harder to form words –

“Eliza Schuyler,” she forced out. “She/her as well. Sorry, I –” Her words trailed off into nothingness. Her jaw moved, but nothing came out. _Shit._

With slow, shaking hands, Eliza signed _Do you know sign language?_ Maria just looked confused.

“I don’t…” The girl looked guilty, which made Eliza’s stomach twist. She lurched forward, waving her hands in an attempt to say, _It’s okay_! Maria let out a chuckle. And… _oh_. Eliza felt her body grow warm.

It took a long moment for Eliza to realize the situation she was in. Her proposal papers were _everywhere_. As well as that mess, there was gravel that had dug itself into her hands and knees. Great. Super great. She signed a few choice curses and somehow managed to stand. Brushing the dirt off herself, she then offered a hand to Maria. She took it and hoisted herself up. Eliza heard herself sigh.

No words were spoken as Maria began walking away. Eliza desperately wanted to say something to her, ask her _who_ she was, why she had a black eye, why she was so _lovely_ – but she couldn’t. Not like this.

Reaching into her purse for her phone, Eliza’s fingers brushed against the smooth metal casing of her Feel-Better cards. Wait – _that was it_ –

She ripped a card out of the case and took off across the sidewalk, reaching Maria in what she considered to be record time.

“What—?” Maria was saying, but Eliza had already shoved the card into her hand and was now taking off in the direction she came from.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eliza is pansexual panromantic and a nonbinary demigirl. she was sexually + emotionally abused by her birth father. she is hard of hearing and mostly uses sign language. (this headcanon is inspired by a fic i really liked which i will try to find the link to)  
> peggy is nonbinary aroace who was also sexually abused but by a family "friend." they also have some mental problems which will (probably) come into this more  
> maria is a lesbian but she isnt open about it because of her relationship with james (which will be expanded on later)  
> other characters are gonna show up soon, as well as descriptions <3 hopefully ill have the next chapter up by next week.  
> the only thing i dont have any experience in which ive included in this fic is physical abuse and being deaf. if im saying anything out of line, please let me know!


	2. you were scared and you were beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria can't stop thinking about Eliza. She makes her stomach form knots, unbearable fluttering inside her and she fears she may break.  
> She's terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for how long this took. ive been really overwhelmed but ill try to get the next one out sooner, if possible  
> in this chapter, there are mentions of abuse (physical and emotional) and a vague description of rape, as well as descriptions of panicking as the aftermath. maria uses a lesbophobic slur as well  
> please be safe, all <3

As soon as that weird girl ran away from her, Maria felt a hollow pang in her gut. Somehow she had upset her, but she didn’t know _how_ – she was so confused, so _scared_.

Eliza…

Biting her lip, Maria looked down at the card Eliza had shoved into her hands. It was crinkled now, but its message was clear.

Maria swallowed hard.

She traced Eliza’s phone number with her fingernail, sparing a brief glance at the abuse hotline. But –

James wasn’t abusing her.

(Her black eye and bruised ribs would say otherwise.)

Folding the hotline number over, Maria stared at Eliza’s signature. It was curly and _adorable_ , written in blue glitter pen. The jerk in her stomach came back with vigor.

 _No_.

Her breathing hitched. She stared, just _stared_ at that fucking scrap of paper – why was it making her feel like this? Why was it making her feel like something was _wrong?_

Before her breathing turned into full-on hyperventilating, Maria took the card and _ripped_.

Her hands were shaking so badly that it only tore through half of the thing. With an angry cry, she simply crumpled the card into a ball and shoved it into her purse; and of course, her purse was a disgusting pit of old food and uncapped lipstick so it should be unreadable when – _if_ – she fished it out. It’s all she could do.

It took water falling onto her chest to realize that she was crying. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand violently, howling when she irritated her bruised eye.

When she got home, there were still tears clumping her eyelashes.

* * *

 

Maria tried to close the door with the gentlest click she could manage. The sound still echoed through the empty dorm. She held her breath. Waited.

She was just about to let her shoulders slump when James was there, grabbing her by the collar of her shirt and shoving her against the door she just closed.

“Where have you _been?_ ” he hissed, face so close to hers that she could almost taste his rank breath.

“I–” she started, but trailed off. She – _shit_. Maria had been on her way back from requesting to move into a new dorm, but Eliza had completely distracted her. The whole ordeal had slipped her mind.

“ _What_ , bitch?” James prompted, pushing Maria’s body back so her head slammed against the door. She wanted James to let go. His free hand was resting against her bare stomach and she wanted to fucking puke. It was a drastic difference between the fist curled in her shirt. He jostled her again when another long moment passed in silence. She was beginning to get a killer headache.

So she spilled.

The flames in James’ eyes flickered brighter and she _knew_ what was going to happen. He was going to discipline her, the same way he did that _very_ morning, hit her into submission until she was begging for him to stop, to _please_ forgive her.

But this time it was different.

He did his usual spiel about how she was _his_ so he could punish her how he saw fit – how this was her fault for being a slut, for not abiding by his rules.

“I just want you safe, baby,” he said as he dragged her into their shared bedroom, his words almost ironic compared to his grip on her wrist; his fingers were most certainly going to leave purplesick bruises. This was normal. This was _normal_.

Even with this new turn, it was normal.

He threw her on the bed and pinned her down, pulling up her shirt and bra, pulling _down_ her shorts and panties, leaving her helpless, defenseless, utterly _scared_ , but she held still, still as she could. She didn’t want more punishment then she was receiving already – James had his limits and so did she.

He was rough with her, which she expected. She tried not to move but she squirmed underneath him anyway, tears prickling behind her eyes as the pain between her legs grew to nearly unbearable.

Finally, _finally_ , his movements ceased. James pulled himself off her and left, left her alone on the bed breathing hard. The silence grew unbearable, tearing into Maria’s skin, her brain, until she let out a shuddering breath and _howled_. She couldn’t help her screaming but she knew James was long gone by now – so she let herself sob until her voice gave out.

When her breathing finally smoothed out, she sat up to examine the extent of the damage. Her thighs hurt and James’ fingerprints were engraved into her skin. She was still shaking, even as she traced the bruises with her fingernail.

She thought of Eliza.

Would Eliza, with her sweet smile and cute card, treat her like this? Eliza was kind and acknowledged Maria, _listened_ to her. But Maria wasn’t supposed to be feeling this. Maria was in a relationship with _James_. She didn’t _like_ girls, she wasn’t some fucking dyke – was she? She liked James, liked sex with him enough to not shy away from his touch, if he even allowed her to. She had been in a relationship with him for long enough.

But what was the relationship they had? No one talked about how their boyfriends hit them, touched them even though they didn’t want them to, but it had been like this for years now – Maria was becoming numb. But now, she was… she had always been scared of James to some extent, but now she didn’t know if she could even function in the same room as him. She could only think of what he’d do if she flinched next time he moved to hit her.

The fear she felt as she’s tangled up in her soiled bedsheets was _paralyzing_.

* * *

 

Eliza nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a tap on her shoulder. Her hands flew up as she let out a tiny shriek before jumping around on the sofa to face the stranger –

– who proceeded to place a sloppy kiss on her lips.

She lurched back and was faced with one John Laurens, resident art major and freckled boyfriend. Her heart did a slight heave when she saw him.

 _Hi_ , she signed, feeling warmth crawl up on her cheekbones.

“Hi,” said a new voice – Alex popped out from behind John and give Eliza his own kiss, which continued to make her face even more red.

“No need to give E a heart attack,” John said with a sharp laugh as he moved around the sofa to plop down on Eliza’s left. Alexander did the same but sat to her right and laid his head in her lap. “So, Liza, we heard you’re startin’ a LGBTQIA thing?”

Eliza perked up at this. She recapped her morning for them, describing in detail how she wrecked Peggy at the shitty free version of Family Feud on her phone before failing spectacularly at Tetris. During her flurry of hand movements, Alex fell asleep in her lap, snoring slightly as his stubble itched her thigh. When she got to where she met Maria, however, she felt her grin fade.

“There was a girl,” she mumbled, switching from sign language to speech in order to possibly not be heard. “She was – gorgeous, to be honest, but there was something – something about her.” She looked up at John, worry painting her expression. “I’m worried for her, John, she had an awful shiner and I gave her my phone number just in case…”

John, despite his worry about this mystery girl, laughed, pulling Eliza close to his chest (which, Eliza noticed, wasn’t bound today; good on him for realizing his health came before his passing). “That’s our Liza, always looking out for others.”

“I just want her to be okay, J.”

The way she said that one sentence, voice quiet and discouraged, made John’s heart break.

“I’m sure she will be, E.”

Eliza gave him a doubtful look but nodded anyway. Her hand made its way to Alex’s hair, stroking softly.

“I was thinking maybe… I could make a group for – you and I and Alex. Y’know, John? And maybe people like her.” She didn’t want to directly say what she meant. John’s father was a hard subject for him, sending him into panic attacks for near-hours when even the man’s name was mentioned. Underneath his shirt, she felt his breathing pick up, but it smoothed out with the tracing of her fingers over the planes of his chest.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling Eliza yet closer to her and whispering a soft “I love you,” into her hair which he wasn’t sure she would even hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well theres john and alex!!! some descriptions:  
> john is a pan trans boy. hes mostly attracted to other men but he Really Likes Eliza. henry laurens was a shitsack and was emotionally and physically abusive.  
> alex is genderfluid and bi. more info will come on him later since he said like one thing in this chapter.  
> i hope you all enjoyed! comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


	3. in your head, in your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza is overthinking, as what happens often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long im sorry  
> theres another panic attack in this one and its a doozey. theres also mentions of illness on johns end  
> marthas in this chapter!!! :'-) character notes will b at the end  
> this chapter is un-beta'd because im too lazy to send it to my girlfriend so please point out any errors

The next time Eliza saw Maria was – well, she didn’t know how she could describe it. It was unpleasant, to say the least.

It was Wednesday, four days after Eliza had seen her first, and the day was trudging on. Eliza kept her classes mostly scheduled during the middle of the day. She had a tendency to not wake up early, as every alarm clock she had tried sounded tinny to her ears (not to her roommates, however – she had once been yelled at for a solid fifteen minutes about her blaring alarm and didn’t notice because her hearing aids weren’t in). However, today was a rare day where one of her classes started at nine in the morning. It wasn’t particularly early, of course, but it was just that edge of _just so_.

To put it simply, Eliza was sprinting to her class.

Everyone she crashed into received a harried apology before she was taking off again. More than once, she nearly tripped over her own hastily tied shoes as she jogged down the stairs of the building her class was in. _God_ , why did her siblings ever deem her capable enough to live on her own? She was basically still a child, if her age regressions were any indication. Though few and far between, her fits of six-year-old behavior were… embarrassing. And how she acted _now_ , on her good days! Her PTSD and ADHD affected her daily, _horribly_ , sometimes pushing her to her breaking point where she couldn’t even function at all –

Eliza tripped.

Well… her shoe slipped. Her heel had been on the edge of the step and her shoe couldn’t take it. She tumbled down the last few steps on her ass with a squeal before barreling into someone, knocking them off balance – but ultimately, they stayed standing, almost a mockery to Eliza’s crumpled form on the floor.

The force of the impact jarred Eliza’s hearing aids loose, but then there were soft, warm hands on her, one on her hip and one on her forearm. They helped her up while she apologized profusely, letting out a slight gasp as they pressed her fallen hearing aid into her hands.

And then Eliza finally got a good look at their face as she pressed the aid back where it belonged: dark hair pulled up into a ‘fro with a toothy grin and freckles, face soft but long, _shining_. A backpack strap crossed their chest, pins pressed on willy-nilly – _Use she/her/herself_ , one said, another with _#BlackLivesMatter_ in blue, the transgender flag, the lesbian flag… Eliza couldn’t help but stare, a slow grin blooming on her lips.

“Nah, nah, don’t worry,” the stranger said, then took a look at Eliza’s smile. “You like my pins?” she asked, and _God_ , Eliza loved her voice, how happy, content, _proud_ it sounded. She sounded confident, she _radiated_ it, and that was the one thing Eliza had trouble with, could this girl be a good influence for her—?

_Oh_.

She had been asked a question.

“Y-yeah,” Eliza choked out, cheeks flushing at the crack in her voice. “Eliza. Schuyler. It’s… it’s a pleasure to meet you!”

“Martha Manning,” Martha replied, and held out a hand. Eliza shook it enthusiastically before pulling away sharply. Her hands found her bag, pulled out a flier, and shoved it into Martha’s arms in lieu of her own hands.

“Listen, I have to go, I’m –” She spared a glance at her watch. Five past nine. “— _late_ , shit, but I’ll be in contact, um—” She shot a final, slightly awkward smile to Martha before she bolted down the hall and disappeared into one of the rooms, the sharp click of the door in her wake.

* * *

Once inside, Eliza took her usual seat, where John _should_ have been, but wasn’t; she took out her phone and there were a couple texts from her boyfriends.

**[From:** _turtle man with a plan_ : i cant come 2 class i got that #existentialdepression **]**

**[From:** _turtle man with a plan_ : and also an actual stomach bug fucking kill me **]**

**[From:** _turtle man with a plan_ : *vomiting emojis* **]**

**[To:** _turtle man with a plan_ : tmi you shit **]**

**[To:** _turtle man with a plan_ : feel better tho i love you!!!!! **]**

**[To:** _turtle man with a plan_ : *heart emoji* **]**

**[From:** _turtle man with a plan_ : …and ur sure ur not a gemini………..? **]**

**[To:** _turtle man with a plan_ : oh my gosh stop **]**

**[From:** _espresso shot but in human form_ : Don’t worry Lizzie I have John taken care of **]**

**[To:** _espresso shot but in human form_ : thank u baby give him a feel better kiss from me <3 **]**

**[From:** _espresso shot but in human form_ : Ew no he just threw up again. No thanks **]**

**[To:** _espresso shot but in human form_ : :’-( why are u so mean alex **]**

Despite her playful manner with her boyfriends, deep inside, something sick was crawling within her. She heard the story of Alex’s mother during one of her less noticeable age regressions, so the fear of illness and _losing_ someone had stuck with her since. She couldn’t even begin to say how Alex must have felt. Hopefully John was taking care of him mentally, making sure his anxiety stayed down, left him in a buzz rather than a hurricane.

Eliza stared at her phone throughout the whole lecture, her bones buzzing under her skin. She got a few updates throughout the ninety minutes, one including a selfie of Alexander with John behind him, head in the toilet, though he thumbed up the camera. _nasty,_ Eliza fired back, earning a string of middle finger emojis from John.

And then the lecture was over and a cacophony of sound broke out, startling Eliza. She straightened in her seat, wincing at the loudness. No one needed her right now, right…? She took out her hearing aid and stuffed an earbud into her right ear.

Perfect.

Eliza gathered her stuff and was very nearly the last person to leave, save for a few stragglers who wanted to talk to the professor. She bobbed her head to the music, exhaling loudly as she exited the lecture hall. For whatever reason, the place felt _cramped_. She didn’t like her classes, for the most part – too crowded, too noisy, too unavailable to the disabled. She herself could bare her own, but – her Alexander had a hard enough time walking with his prosthetic, and Eliza was proud of him to even _try_ tackling the school’s stairs.

Eliza’s mind raced with new club ideas, her head and heart _full_ , Grimes’ bubbly voice pouring from her headphones – she was happy like this. She was just about to leave the big building her classes were in when there was a hand around her wrist, then a _tug_. The force of it jerked Eliza back and she stumbled, but held her ground. Behind her was Maria, eyes wide and panicked, angry, even. Her mouth was moving, Eliza could hear the tip of her through the tinny music and she was _yelling_ from what Eliza would tell from the intensity of her eyes and the grip on her wrist – Eliza pulled out her earbud, was just about to put in her hearing aid when Maria slapped her, right across the cheek.

And _God_ , she slapped hard. The ring on Maria’s middle finger pulled Eliza’s skin back, _down_ , leaving a slice down her cheekbone, drawing blood. Eliza shrieked and flinched away on instinct, stepping back, but she was pulled forward again because Maria’s grip was strong and it _hurt_ , her nails were digging in and Eliza’s cheek was fucking bleeding and her hearing aid had to be on the floor and the blood the blood the blood, _rushing_ to her head and Maria may have been _screaming_ , Eliza knew _she_ was, trying to jerk her hand away _please please please I can’t even **hear** you, **please**_ –

And then Eliza was going numb – it was too much, too much sensation and too much noise she could barely hear, just too much for her to handle, and—

Eliza shut down.

She felt someone touching her, touching her gently but she still shied away, curling into herself from the distant touch, and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alriiiight there we go. for an explanation on why this took so long, my depression is Kicking My Ass and im slowly dying. i have about 3/4 of the next chapter tho, ill try to update tomorrow or the day after as terms of forgiveness.  
> now, for martha!! martha is a black trans girl and a lesbian and shes very much into activism. she stays away from rallies and stuff but her online presence is very active! shes about 22 here, and a year ahead of our main squad. she and john are also tied in with one another but thatll come into play later!


	4. gentle, do not apprehend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martha likes to help people. Eliza accepts, hesitantly, while Maria is . . . Maria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE GO  
> CHAPTER 4 IS UP WITHIN TWO DAYS OF CHAPTER 3, GO ME  
> this is the gift chapter to make up for chapter 3 being up so late, chapter 5 will be up within the week (or depending on when i get it finished)  
> this chapter is unbeta'd once again, please point it out if i made any errors!  
> theres mentions of abuse pretty much throughout this chapter so uh. warnings. maria uses the same lesbophobic slur as before and is also very scared.

“Get off her, get _off_ , Jesus—” Martha smacked Maria’s hand before separating her from Eliza, pushing Maria back so Martha stood in between the two. Eliza was sobbing and as soon as Maria’s hands were gone, she fell into herself, covering her head. Maria was – Maria was having an episode, clearly; after two years of being the girl’s tutor and friend, Martha could tell. She was running her hands through her hair and shaking, on the verge of tears herself.

Martha was so glad she was on antipsychotics now.

Patting Maria’s forearm, Martha had her sit.

“C’mon now, we’re gonna wait for Eliza to calm ‘n’ we’ll talk,” she said, ignoring Maria’s affronted look. Still, she sat next to Martha and even cuddled into her a little. In contrast, Eliza shied away from every touch Martha tried to give, so… she waited.

Eventually, Eliza calmed, her breathing evening out.

“Martha.” she said as she looked up, voice flat, but her eyes sparkled. Martha just grinned.

“Yup.” she affirmed, then put her arm around Eliza’s shoulders and pulled her into her broad chest. The two girls on either side of her eyed each other warily. “Now – you two chickadees have something to _talk_ about!” she said firmly. “I’ll be the moderator, but first things first – Mar, you can’t go screamin’ at people and then slap them! You have’ta explain yourself to Lizzie here, I don’t think she heard a word you said.”

She shifted a little, scooting herself back so she was behind the two girls.

“And secondly—” Martha pressed Eliza’s hearing aid into her hand. “You’re gonna need this if this is gonna work out. Maria – you first.”

* * *

 

Maria shuffled a little like a child, but sighed anyway and leaned over Martha to look at Eliza. She felt awful. She completely lost herself and flipped her shit and didn’t dare to think of the consequences as she did so. She noted the scratch along her cheek and felt herself flush with shame. She did that, she did that to such a gorgeous face, she –

Martha let out a cough.

“Um,” she muttered. Martha nudged her upper arm. “Sorry.” Martha flicked her. “I – I don’t know, my boyfriend, he…” Maria was genuinely uncomfortable, but Eliza was staring at her, concern in her eyes but there was _nothing_ to be concerned about. So she barreled on, glossing over the messy parts as best she could, despite her lack of a filter.

“We like to have messy sex. Rough sex. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes he goes a little overboard but _it’s okay, seriously_ , but something knocked me the wrong way, I guess? And… and all that shit on Saturday, that fucked me, okay? It was – _scary_ , seeing you freak, but you – you’re pretty?” Maria felt her voice get higher, almost shrill, and dear Lord, she was admitting to everything now, was she? But her bout of word vomit wouldn’t stop.

“Y’know, I – I’m not gay—” She saw Martha roll her eyes, pointedly ignored it. “—and, _fuck_ , Eliza, you’re pretty as hell and I couldn’t stop _thinking_ about you even as James was fucking me into that shitty mattress and I got – scared, cause James doesn’t like dykes and I’m _not_ _gay_ , okay?”

“I am.” Eliza whispered quietly. Maria blanched. Martha cackled.

“Maria, baby, don’t be like that.” Martha cooed, putting her chin on Maria’s shoulder. “I’m your _favorite_ lesbian, aren’t I? And you don’t wanna use slurs!”

Maria flushed deep, felt her cheeks burn. “Sorry.” she said eventually, then, to Eliza – “I don’t… think any less of you. I was just surprised.” _I have a chance_ , she thought, then squashed it because _what would James say? What the fuck **was** that?_

“It’s fine.” Eliza said, reaching over to gently take Maria’s hand in hers. Her thumb absently rubbed circles into her skin and Maria couldn’t help but shudder. Eliza looked at her with such gentleness, something she had not experienced in a long while, from her parents to boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend. It was almost sad. Did Maria _seem_ like a girl who was easy? Did she seem like a girl who wanted to be scared, hurt, _hurting_? She didn’t want to be; nonetheless, she accepted their kindness.

Still, Maria was hyperfixed upon the gash along Eliza’s cheek, blood pooling even now, even as brownred streaked down, the sleeve of her cardigan dyed the same colour. She was just about to apologize for it, parting her lips around an I, but Eliza beat her to it.

“What were you saying, Maria, before you…?” She’s polite enough to not say it outright, what Maria did to her, but it still stung inside. “I didn’t have my hearing aid, I couldn’t, uh. Well, you know.” She let out a small giggle and Maria felt herself flush.

“At first I was – wondering. Trying to talk to you. Calling your name. And you didn’t answer and I _kept_ doing it and I got… frustrated. I wanted to know what the hell you were playing at last week, for _one_. And you just – I thought you were ignoring me. Like… after going through all that trouble to offer me help I didn’t need and you h-had the gall to – to shut me out. Pretend I didn’t exist. I was…”

Here’s the hard part. Maria’s no good at apologies. She got angry, defensive, bit back scathing remarks only to let sickly-sweet sarcasm out instead. She couldn’t help it, really – she had no filter, preferred to be out with her thoughts, but over time with James she has grown meeker, not as loud. It hurt, sometimes.

“…wrong.” she finished lamely. “I took it the wrong way and let my anger get the best of me. And I’m sorry.”

Eliza nodded. She checked the time. She stood as best she could with her trembling legs and walked the few paces to Maria. She kneeled. She pulled Maria into a hug – tight and warm, comforting, but Maria was still scared, aprehensive. Physical contact was – wasn’t good for her, not when she wasn’t the one initiating it. She flinched back slightly and Eliza let her go.

“Thank you.” the sweet girl said with a smile, and Maria was left in a daze as she walked out.

* * *

 

“You kept staring at her.” Martha noted to Maria later that day, scooping ice cream out of her bowl and eating it daintily. In contrast, Maria’s own blueberry ice cream was dribbling down her chin – but that was only because she had (literally) spat at Martha’s accusation.

“I’m not _gay_ , Martha,” she insisted, voice straining with frustration as she angily wiped at the mess on her face. “Not like you ‘n’ not like her. Are you gonna drop it?”

Martha just gave her a _look_ , like she was gazing deep into her soul or something lame like that.

“Why do you keep insistin’ that, Mar?” Martha asked and _Jesus_ , she sounded hurt. Maria felt her heart tug but – she’s not. James said he didn’t like people like Martha – had told her to keep from her – but she found Martha to be someone who understood, understood her breakdowns when they got too bad, understood how her hallucinations sometimes got to be too overwhelming; too much like her father with his belt – James, with his hands – too much like those who had hurt her. Martha helped more than James hurt.

“‘Cause – it’s James, Martha, it’s _always_ him, I—” She sucked in a breath. “He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like people like you and – it’s _stupid_ but I can’t jus’ go an’ – an’ take everything he’s given me for _granted_.”

Martha frowned. “James hasn’t given you anything but bruises and PTSD.”

“He gave me _love_ ,” Maria insisted, standing up fast and pitching the table forward. Martha caught it, stood, grabbed Maria’s shoulder.

“What you have is _not_ love!” she cried. Maria tried to pull her away but Martha’s grip was tight. “He’s abusing you, Maria. I’ve _been_ there, baby, but you have to trust that I’m tellin’ the truth here. It seems impossible to think of it, but everything only gets harder when warning signs are ignored.”

Martha could feel the defeat seeping from Maria. She slumped back into her chair, let out a breath that seemed painful. And then she was crying, soft, quiet tears that made her mascara run and smudge her lipstick. Martha just scooped her up, paid for their unfinished ice creams with way too much cash, and led her home, letting her curl up on the couch with her head in Martha’s lap as they yelled at Disney movies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention before but martha is bipolar and suffers from psychosis as a side affect. shes on antipsychotics, as i mentioned, simply so she can function well enough -- she made that decision herself!  
> i dont know why i made her and maria best friends but they Are and its a Thing and martha is just very gay and loves pet names  
> comments and kudos are more than appreciated !! i love getting them so much, they make me happy <3  
> some other things: the songs i took the lyrics from for chapter names are as follows:  
> chapter 1 - peach by the front bottoms  
> chapter 2 - realiti by grimes  
> chapter 3 - world princess, part II by grimes  
> chapter 4 - pin by grimes
> 
> EDIT: i forgot to mention, my writing blog is waved.tumblr.com  
> ill be posting tidbits of chapters up there and ill take requests!


	5. what the fuck im sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza, Angelica, and Peggy talk. John gets a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY I AHVE NO EXCUSE  
> THIS CHAPTER SUCKS PLEASE FORGIVE ME  
> MENTIONS OF RAPE AND ABUSE AND INCEST THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRETY OF THE SECOND HALF WITH JOHN. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

If there was one thing Eliza hated, it was being late. Her siblings had expected her nearly an hour ago. She had gotten at least ten texts from Peggy, all strings of emojis varying in frustration until she got a final one with just the words “cmon liza liza where are u???”

The one from Angelica only said, “Hey, come home safe. Pegs and I are waiting.”

With a sigh, Eliza shoved her keys into her pocket before shouldering the door to her apartment open. Not a moment later, Peggy was pouncing on her, letting out a loud cry of “LIZZIE!”

Angelica, however, was not as overjoyed. Her eyes resembled their mother’s; dark, squinted with concern as she eyed Eliza up and down. Then her eyes focused on Eliza’s slashed cheek. She saw the change, saw the panic flare up in her, and just like Peggy, Angelica was hanging off her, nearly-yelling shrilly in her ear.

“Fuck, Eliza, _fuck_ , who did this, are you okay, _shit_ —”

“Angie, Angie, Angie—” Eliza breathed, shaking Peggy off her and reaching out to put a hand on her sisters’ cheek. “It’s fine, Angie, there was an accident, I’m okay…”

She wiped a stray tear, giving Angelica a smile.

“Sorry.” Angelica said finally. “Sorry, it’s—” she takes a soft breath, barely an inhale as she gets her thoughts together. “Bad day. Thought about mom a lot.”

During this exchange, Peggy had wiggled their way in between them and gave sloppy kisses to both of their cheeks.

“I’ve got a bowl full of popcorn in the kitchen, guys,” they said, gently redirecting the panic. Eliza couldn’t help but gather them in her arms and twirl them in circles.

* * *

 

“Lizzie, you said something about an abuse survivor group, yeah?” Peggy asked after the three siblings had settled on top of each other. Peggy was lounging in Eliza’s lap while Angelica dozed, her head cradled in the curve of Peggy’s spine.

Eliza let out a soft sigh of acknowledgement. “I was thinking about it,” she said. “I mean, it’d sure be nice to – to talk, right? I don’t know.” She shook her head. Peggy patted her knee.

“Go for it, babe,” they said, digging their thumb into the meat of Eliza’s calf – a more painful massage then they probably intended. “I mean – I’d like it. Get all that shit about Stephen off my chest.” They gave a hollow laugh. “Fuck.”

“You’ll be alright,” was all Eliza could say. She wondered when everything had just – changed. She remembered when the four of them – Eliza, Philip, Peggy, Angie – were all… _normal_. The perfect kids. Two sons, two daughters, happy as can be, and then, well. They weren’t. They weren’t happy. Angelica wasn’t a boy, Philip didn’t want to date girls and Angelica _only_ wanted girls, and then Peggy brought their girlfriend Dolley home, and Eliza realized maybe _she_ was gay, and then Eliza’s hearing began to deteriorate and then Peggy came out to the family and Philip nearly ran away and Angelica started transitioning—

Despite the chaos, their parents accepted it. They accepted their little ragtag group of adopted kids who weren’t cis or straight or mentally stable. Philip and Catherine had done so well. They made everything so accessible. They paid for Angelica’s transition, Eliza’s therapy, Peggy’s medication, all without anger or fear or hesitance.

Eliza missed them. She missed her parents but had always stayed stuck with – _they’re not mine_.

With her hand on Peggy’s neck, she fell asleep.

* * *

 

John Laurens woke up in a cold sweat, taking one moment to gather his senses before vomiting into the trashcan Alex had so lovingly left next to his bed. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve before realizing what a stupid idea that was. Jesus Christ. High-functioning, his ass.

His aching body protested with a vigor as he tried to take his shirt off. Just thinking about how he would have to get up to get another shirt made him groan and shiver, so he bundled himself under the duvet, curling into a ball to conserve heat. God, he wished Alex was here. Alex would cuddle with him, press them chest to chest even though John probably smelled really bad, probably offer a good and healthy orgasm to help him feel better. But John had insisted he should go to fucking _class_ – bullshit – and so Alex currently wasn’t here. John was stupid. So stupid.

“Fuck,” he sighed, and closed his eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.

His phone rang.

“ _Shit_.” He reached for it from where it was on the nightstand, not even taking a moment to look at the caller ID – _it’s Alex, it’s always Alex_ – before answering with a sleep-stained, “hello?”

“Eleanor?” the person on the other end asked.

John felt his blood run cold.

“How the _fuck_ did you get this number,” he choked. His heart began to pound but his fingertips, his chest, were still ice cold, fuck, he couldn’t breathe, he hadn’t heard that voice in _years_ , fuck, fuck, _fuck_ —

“You’re not that hard to find, Ellie,” Henry Laurens said, a simper to his voice. “Changing your name won’t help. John? Really, Ellie? That’s a boy’s name and we both—”

“Shut the _fuck_ up.”

“Well, now—”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, _no_ , I wanted you out of my life, what the hell, you – you fucking – you’re _stalking_ me now, wasn’t what you did to me _enough?_ ” John’s voice grew more and more shrill, trying so _fucking_ hard to keep from sobbing on the phone.

“Ellie—”

“ _No!_ You fucking _raped_ me, your own _kid_ , you _deserve_ how hard you fell after that—” He took a shuddering breath. “Don’t contact me. Don’t. I’ll finally file that _fucking_ restraining order, just – fuck you. Fuck you, Henry Laurens.”

He hung up.

He called the first number on his speed dial.

Freely sobbing now, he brought his phone back to his ear and waited.

“Alex? A-Alex. _Fuck_. Come – come home. Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the worst chapter by far i just needed to update forgive me


	6. intermission: maria is gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria comes to realize something important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck

“Maria, how often do you think about girls?”

“A… a lot, I guess? I mean, I… I think about Eliza a lot.”

“Do you think about kissin’ her?”

Maria fell silent while Martha let out a soft groan.

“Different tactic. Okay. How do you feel when you’re with James?”

She thought about it with a shudder. She thought about how the touch of James’ skin against her own made her want to vomit sometimes. She thought about how wrong it felt to kiss him. She thought about how it made her sick to imagine anything past _this_ with them. And then she focused in – she could hardly imagine anything like that with a _man_. With a start, she realized that she couldn’t imagine _anything_ more with any of her past boyfriends.

She tried to picture herself at the altar, holding hands with some nondescript, blurry-faced man. Her stomach jumped uncomfortably and she fought the urge to gag.

“…dirty.” she answered Martha after long pause. “But that’s with… any man. All my past boyfriends made me feel like I was doing something _wrong_. But it wasn’t them, it was… me?”

Maria looked up at Martha with a pleading gaze, nearly begging with her eyes for her to figure out what was wrong with her.

“Do you feel that way when you’re with Eliza?”

Maria could only numbly shake her head as she felt things stitching together in her head. She felt like this for a reason. She _did_ , and she knew, and _why_ did it take her so long to _know?_ Admitting it to herself, no matter how vaguely, felt like her first drink of freedom.

“Mar, _please_.” Martha insisted, concern on her face. “Does – does she make you feel dirty? Wrong?”

“No, she… she makes me feel _safe_. Martha, I…”

Feeling something giddy rise in her chest, Maria grabbed her phone from where it was resting beside her. She texted James.

 **[To:** martha please stop changing james contact name: Im a lesbian + were breaking up xoxo **]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry  
> (like the chapter title says this is an intermission before the really heavy stuff happens so thats why its short lol?? im suffering)  
> comments & kudos make me write faster btw ;)  
> my tumblr is hnschen.tumblr.com and my writing tumblr is waved.tumblr.com, feel free to yell at me on either


	7. these memories are nothing to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria has a new determination, but finds herself crushed anyway. John, Alex, and Eliza cuddle in a hospital bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going to reeally get cracking on these updates i PROMISE. im gonna have an update schedule and everything. nothing really worrisome in this chapter, just mentions of abuse and violence.  
> once again, im still ub-beta'd so sorry for any errors! enjoy

Maria woke up in Martha’s arms and nearly twenty missed calls from James on her phone. Ignoring the growing feeling of fear, she ignored the calls, impulsively deleted James’ contact, and grabbed her purse, searching through it with one goal in mind.

She fished out a soft-blue piece of paper and unfolded it. She was pleased to find that the numbers were still legible.

Maria felt good. Maria felt _amazing_. She felt like nothing could take her down, not in this moment, not _ever_. And she couldn’t deny who she was attracted to, not anymore. James would not control her. Martha drilled it in her – _he’s a dirty, nasty wench of a thing and you are more than him. You are more than his abuse_. _It’s okay to be gay even if you’ve dated him – you’re gonna be okay, baby._

And oh, those eyes – those gorgeous chocolate brown eyes that shone like stars, melting at the sight of someone she loved… at the sight of _her_. The way her lips formed that lovely pout, slight adjustments of her hearing aids to listen in to a conversation, the threading of her eyebrows in concern, how she moved with a graceful clumsiness, like every step and stumble was planned.

Maria Lewis was very gay, had broken up with James Reynolds, and was fully prepared to ask Eliza Schuyler on a date.

 

**[To:** eliza???  <3 <3 <3: eliza? this is maria. are you busy? **]**

**[From:** eliza???  <3 <3 <3: maria its good to hear from you! im so sorry my boyfriend is um in the hospital right now idk if hes gonna be ok so um!!! yes i am busy i am so so so sorry i hope ur doing ok! :) **]**

…Boyfriend?

 

**[To:** eliza???  <3 <3 <3: boyfriend? **]**

**[To:** Unknown number: i hope he will be okay. im sorry, i chose to bother you at a bad time. **]**

 

Boyfriend. Eliza had a boyfriend. Maria felt her mood, her confidence, crumble into dust. And here she was, creeping on her because she was pretty. What was wrong with her? Someone like Eliza _fucking_ Schuyler would not be single, or even be interested in Maria with her _stupid_ stomach rolls and her _stupid_ grating voice –

God, she really was dumb. Love was not made for Maria Lewis.

 

* * *

 

 

The phone call that awoke Eliza was not pleasant. She somehow managed to completely ignore the buzzing against her thigh of Alexander’s texts and calls, but as soon as the phone in their apartment rang, she was bolting up.

The call consisted of “your boyfriend John Laurens is in the hospital after a bar fight and you should come to the hospital right now because your other boyfriend is having a mental breakdown.”

It wasn’t like that exactly, but… close enough. So she booked it to the hospital after hailing a taxi and tried desperately to fend off an anxiety attack, calling Alex in the meantime. Apparently, John had called him while sobbing and begged him to come home, but he wasn’t there when Alex got to their apartment, so he went to look for him. Just as Alex was about to leave again, he got a call from the hospital saying _your boyfriend is dying or whatever_ because even though John’s guts were literally poking out of his stomach, he could still remember to give Eliza’s and Alex’s phone numbers.

_Romantic_ , Eliza thought dryly, trying to cover her own panic.

So there she was in the hospital, squished in between Hercules Mulligan and Marie Lafayette as Alexander was passed out on the floor. Hercules and Marie were friends – _close_ friends, she presumed – of John’s, so Alex deemed it necessary to call them over as well. Somehow, with his less than smooth talking, Alex convinced the nurses that they were more or less John’s family. They were allowed to stay, though not without hard looks at – literally all of them.

“What happened to John?” Eliza thought to ask nearly an hour into the visit. Her mind was scrambled. God, she didn’t even like eggs.

“He was being his stupid self.” Marie supplied helpfully. She shifted slightly so Eliza was leaning into her. She let her, enjoying the comfort. “He picked a fight and the _connard_ had a fucking knife so he stabbed him and someone screamed and they all scattered. Just like that.” Her voice wavered but she spoke with utter anger. “Just left him there. Someone found him soon after, but—”

As her voice rose, she began to cry – nothing overwhelming, but enough for both Hercules and Eliza to put an arm on her shoulder, coax her to stop.

“It’s just _cruel_.” she sighed, wiping her face. “To be beaten and left alone. Those disgusting little _cowards_.” She shook her head and her body gave a last shudder, and she stopped crying. She patted Eliza’s hands and lowered herself so her head rested in Hercules’ lap – her body was at an odd angle, but she made it look comfortable. Hercules pet her hair.

And then there was a sound, a soft sleep-stained voice that Eliza barely heard.

“Guys?”

 

* * *

 

 

Eliza promised herself she wouldn’t, but as soon as John woke up, she was sobbing into his chest. He kissed her head while Marie uncomfortably poked Alexander with her foot. Alexander woke minutes later and almost ripped out John’s stitches when he essentially jumped on him.

They were all stuffed onto the hospital bed, limbs flung over one another with their hands meeting in the middle, John in the middle and Eliza and Alex on either side. Marie and Hercules said their goodbyes earlier, which ended in tears on Marie’s end as she cussed John out. He simply hugged her and kissed her cheek before shooing her out to get sleep.

“My dad called,” John started, looking resolutely at the ceiling. Simultaneously, Alexander and Eliza clutched John’s hand the slightest bit tighter.

“Henry,” Eliza corrected gently. “He’s not –”

“I know. Jesus, _I know_ , but he still _is_. But that’s not the point.”

Eliza nodded and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Sorry. Keep going.”

“He found my number, obviously but – just – _fuck_ , okay, I got so _scared_.” His voice didn’t break. “I mean – what can I do? He’s my – biological father, I can’t…” He struggled for a moment, biting his lip as he struggled for the right words to say. “No one would take this seriously, if I want to _make_ it serious.”

“I’m sure someone would,” Alexander said. “Someone with enough power to actually do something.”

John nodded numbly, but reached to kiss Alex in thanks.

There was silence. Eliza shifted next to John so she could find a more comfortable sleeping position. Alex seemed to do the same. Eliza’s head was pillowed on John’s chest, and all three of them had their legs tangled together.

In the quiet, John let out a breath.

“I haven’t seen Martha in years.”

Even quieter, he said, “I miss her.”

Eliza nodded, not fully understanding, and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be up october 19th. also lafayette and mulligan are here FINALLY!!!! lafayette is a trans girl and i have put 0 thought into hercules.  
> my tumblr is rbel.tumblr.com! feel free to yell at me


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